Ten Reasons to Take an
Improv Class:
10. Liberate your inner child
9. Enhance the way you make stuff up all the time.
8. Create characters to respond to telemarketers.
7. Try something legal for a change.
6. Develop your inherent shtick.
5. Fine tune the way you already dance around issues.
4. Take a risk with your clothes on.
3. Act out with guidance.
2. Sound cool saying: Can't meet tonight--got my improv
class.
1. Learn how to network using props.
How Many Theater People Does It Take To
Change A Light Bulb . . .?
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. One to do it, and the rest to talk about how much
better they could have done it.
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Just complain to the director at notes.
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Doesn't the stage manager do that?
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. They can never find their light.
How many stage managers does it take to screw in a ...
Done.
How many stage managers does it take to change a light
bulb?
I DON'T CARE!!! JUST DO IT!!!
How many stage managers does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. Where's IATSE?
How many stage managers does it take to change a light
bulb?
It's on my list... IT'S ON MY LIST...
How many assistant directors does it take to change a light
bulb?
One. But he/she has to check with the director first to make
sure he/she wants the bulb there.
How many directors does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Well...um...what do you think?
How many lighting techs does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Nothing happens on that @#$%ing side of the stage anyway!
How many designers does it take to change a light bulb?
Does it have to be a light bulb?
How many playwrights does it take to change a light
bulb?
Change? Why does it have to change? No changes, it's perfect
just the way it is.
How many directors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Give a note to the stage manager to fix it!
How many stage managers does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. Pull the technical director off of a set installation to
deal with it.
How many technical directors does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. Call the master electrician at home to fix it.
How many master electricians does it take to change a light
bulb?
We don't change bulbs, only halogen lamps. It's a Props
problem.
How many props masters does it take to change a light
bulb?
Light bulb?! When did they even get a lamp?
How many theater students does it take to change a light
bulb?
Uh, what's the deadline, 'cause I may need an extension.
How many audience members does it take to change a light
bulb?
Three. One to do it, one child to cry, and one to say loudly,
"ROSE, HE'S CHANGING THE LIGHT BULB."
How many interns does it take to change a light bulb?
It doesn't matter because you'll have to do it again
anyway.
How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Why do we need another light bulb?
How many IATSE guys does it take to change a light bulb?
One, once he puts down the donut and coffee.
How many IATSE guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty-five, with a minimum of four hours... you got a
@!%#&!* problem with that?
How many lighting designers does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. Where's my assistant?
How many high school theater students does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
Two, if they can find a lamp big enough and figure out how to
get inside it.
How many electricians does it take to change a light
bulb?
Lamp! It's called a LAMP, you moron!
(Submitted by Kelli Clement)
Small Professional Theater 1.0 Tech
Support
Dear Sirs;
Last year I upgraded from Community Theater 5.0 to Small
Professional Theater 1.0 and noticed that the new program began
making unexpected changes. It installed something called Microsoft
Stagemanager (TM) which it launches whenever rehearsal software is
powered up, severely limiting access to munchies, praise, and
practical joke applications that operated flawlessly under
Community Theater 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included
in the product brochure.
In addition, Stage Manager 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable
programs such as Hamming 2.0, Smoking in costume 7.5, Coming and
Going at will 5.6, Unlimited Comps 8.3 and Borrowing Theater's
Equipment 2.3 and installs new, undesirable programs such as
Schedule 3.1, Discipline 1.3, Expectations 5.0, and Accountability
2.4. Divafit 4.1 no longer runs at all, and invariably crashes the
system. Under no circumstances will it run Whining 14.1. I've
tried running Attitude 5.3 to fix Stage Manager 1.0, but this all
purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please
?!!!!
Jane
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem many actors complain about, but
is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from
Community Theater 5.0 to Small Professional Theater 1.0 with no
idea that Community Theater 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package
for actors.
However, Small Professional Theater 1.0 is a performance
OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few
applications as possible, eliminating unnecessary routines and
delegating as many tasks as it can to the enduser in order to
conserve all system resources for its own use. It is impossible to
uninstall, delete, or purge the Stage Manager files from the
system, once installed, as Stage Manager 1.0 rewrites your other
software so that it rejects Community Theater 5.0 routines once
exposed to SM's superior methods.
Having Stage Manager 1.0 installed myself, I would suggest you
read the entire section of the owners manual regarding General
Director Faults (GDFs). This is a wonderful feature of Stage
Manager 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an
integral part of the operating system. Stage Manager 1.0 will take
on ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of
root cause, and will somehow solve EVERYTHING. To activate this
great feature enter the command C:\ DIRECTOR\SCATTERED
DREAMER-SENSITIVE ARTIST\CAN'T FUNCTION WITHOUT YOU
Sometimes ActorsRIdiots 6.0 or higher must be run
simultaneously while entering the command. Stage Manager 1.0
should then run the applications Organize 12.3 and Miracles
7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can
create additional and more serious GDFs, and ultimately you may
have to give a C:\APOLOGIZE\RAISE\PERSONAL DAY command before the
system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause
Stage Manager 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet,
ArtSearch 6.0. GrumpySilence 2.5 is a very bad program that can
create Disfunctional.acting files that clog all rehearsal and
performance programs and are very hard to delete. Save yourself
some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember, the system
will run smoothly and take the blame for all GDFs, but because of
this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the
entertainment applications Community Theater 5.0 ran.
After several years of use, Stage Manager 1.0 will become
familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as
FixesBrokenThings 2.1 and Ensemble Loyalty 4.2.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances,
install any version of MeddlesomAdministrator. This is not a
supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the
operating system. StageManager 1.0 will run only
CurtGoingThrutheMotions and CovertArtSearch until
MeddlesomeAdministrator is uninstalled. I hope these notes have
helped. Thank you for choosing to install Small Professional
Theater 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck
in coming years.
Tech Support
(Submitted by Amy Cumblad)
A Smoke-Free Carmen
by Denis Dutton
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last year Auckland Opera received complaints when its
advertising posters for Bizet's Carmen showed offensive cleavage.
In deciding to withdraw the posters, the general manager of
Auckland Opera sensibly explained, "It behooved us to find a more
imaginative way to sell our product than just to resort to blatant
sexist imagery." In the new ads Carmen had a completely covered
chest.
Auckland Opera has taken a step in the right direction of
providing a more wholesome, nonsexist Carmen. It is regrettable,
however, that the recent Canterbury Opera Carmen continued to
promote inappropriate role models and behavioural messages
regarding gender relations, animal rights issues and tobacco
consumption. Admittedly, some of these problems are incorrectly
dealt with in Prosper Merimee's original story. Yet a few minor
changes would enable audiences to enjoy the beautiful music of the
opera without being exposed to offensive and outdated stereotypes.
Herewith, a Carmen for our time:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first scene takes place in a square in Seville. Young
factory workers spill into the street for their morning break of
fresh fruit. One of them, the dark Gypsy Carmen, sings a lovely
habanera, reminding us that love occurs between all genders, races
and body types. Before returning to the factory, Carmen throws a
rose to the Basque soldier, Don Jose. A fight breaks out between
two of the young persons in the factory, and while trying to
instruct them on the futility of violence, Carmen is arrested. Don
Jose is ordered to guard her, but she convinces him to allow her
to escape, explaining that they are all victims of patriarchal
oppression.
The second act opens in the smoke-free environment of a
vegetarian restaurant. Carmen and ethnically-diverse friends are
enjoying whole-meal buns when they are interrupted by the wicked
Escamillo, a rich and famous bullfighter. Escamillo sings an aria
in praise of wine, cigars, thick steaks and women. This disgusts
the young people, although Carmen is strangely attracted to the
bullfighter. Don Jose arrives and, alone at last, he and Carmen
vow to live together. They will respect the importance of
protected sex and acknowledge each other's unique cultural
identity. Don Jose will do the ironing.
The third act opens in a wild place in the mountains. Carmen,
Don Jose and other members of the Animal Liberation Collective are
plotting to end the exploitation of bulls. Don Jose is enraged
when Carmen nobly volunteers to seduce Escamillo, so exhausting
him that he will be unable effectively to fight in the bullring.
Carmen patiently explains that the lives of many bulls, and the
contentedness of cows, is at stake. Escamillo enters and begins a
duel with Don Jose, but the Collective intervenes, insisting that
the two men find viable nonviolent means to settle their dispute.
The jealous Don Jose must seek anger-management counseling.
The final scene returns to Seville. Escamillo's colourful
procession enters the bullring. A disheveled Don Jose confronts
Carmen. He is suffering from low self-esteem. Counseling has only
made his anger worse, recovering repressed childhood memories of
satanic rituals, where he was forced to drink blood, eat babies,
and smoke cheap, unfiltered cigarettes. Acknowledging his trauma,
Carmen insists he begin the healing process by getting a bath and
a shave. The two lovers embrace and detail plans to offer
workshops in cultural identity and empowerment.
The bull wins.
You Know When You've Been In The
Theatre (Theater) Too Much When...
Your weekend consists of Monday, and only Monday.
"Q" is not just a letter.
You feel lucky when you get a two-day weekend instead of a
three-day weekend
You're off when everyone else is working
You know more than one theory for the origin of the name "green
room."
You say "break a leg" to friends en route to job interviews or
weddings rather than "good luck."
You can only read from a light that is blue.
You consider the red part of the stoplight the "standby."
You cant remember what daylight looks like.
You feel naked without your keys attached to your belt loop, or
your belt without your Maglite, Leatherman and Gerber.
95% of your wardrobe is black
You watch the Super Bowl waiting for intermission, not
half-time
You tell more stories of what went wrong on shows you've done
than what went smoothly
You start wondering what it feels like to be a prop
You know anything can be fixed with gaffe tape, Morlite,
sculpt-er-coast, a sharpie, tie-line and a safety pin.
Your diet consists of fast food or microwave food.
Your Halloween costume in some way utilizes running blacks and
gaffe tape.
Varying your diet means ordering the #2 instead of the #3 or
eating with your left hand instead of your right
You understand the jokes in Forbidden Broadway
You insist on spelling "theatre" with an "re" not an "er."
People recognize you by the sound of your keys jingling down
the hallway.
Going to a restaurant means ordering and sitting down in
McDonald's rather than the drive through.
You'd heard of Mandy Patinkin before he was on "Chicago
Hope"
"Practical" and "flat" are nouns.
Instead of saying that you're leaving, you say you're
exiting
At home, you "strike" the dishes in your kitchen
If someone asks you what time it is, you respond with something
like, "Half hour 'til half hour."
...and they said it wasn't glamorous in theatre (er).
-Fade to Black
Submitted by Barbara Thomas
The "Shakespearean Insult Kit"
To construct a Shakespearean insult, combine one word from each
of the three columns below and preface it with "Thou."
Column 1
|
Column 2
|
Column 3
|
|
artless
bawdy
beslubbering
bootless
churlish
cockered
clouted
craven
currish
dankish
paunchy
pribbling
puking
puny
qualling
rank
reeky
spongy
surly
tottering
unmuzzled
vain
venomed
villainous
warped
wayward
weedy
yeasty
|
base-court
bat-fowling
beef-witted
beetle-headed
boil-brained
clapper-clawed
clay-brained
common-kissing
crook-pated
dismal-dreaming
ill-breeding
ill-nurtured
knotty-pated
milk-livered
motley-minded
onion-eyed
plume-plucked
rude-growing
rump-fed
shard-borne
sheep-biting
spur-galled
swag-bellied
tardy-gaited
tickle-brained
toad-spotted
unchin-snouted
weather-bitten
|
apple-john
baggage
barnacle
bladder
boar-pig
bugbear
bum-bailey
canker-blossom
clack-dish
clotpole
lout
maggot-pie
malt-worm
mammet
measle
minnow
miscreant
pignut
puttock
pumpion
ratsbane
scut
skainsmate
strumpet
varlet
vassal
whey-face
wagtail
|
An Actor's Guide to
Performance:
Hold for all laughs---real, expected, or imagined! If you don't
get one, face front and repeat the line louder. Failing this,
laugh at it yourself.
Cultivate an attitude of hostility. Tension gets results---on
stage and off.
A good performance, like concrete, should be molded quickly and
then forever set.
Your first responsibility as an actor is to find your
light.
Do not listen to your fellow actors on stage. It will only
throw you.
Do not look at them either---you may not like what you see.
Always be specific---point to what you're talking about.
If a line isn't working for you, change it.
Stage Managers are NOT actors---ignore them. Keep them alert by
never arriving on time or signing in.
Never be afraid to ad-lib to get attention, especially if you
feel the leads aren't very entertaining.
Mistakes are never your fault.
Always find something to bitch about, no matter how small or
seemingly insignificant. Your fellow actors will respect your
professional attention to detail.
Never carry make-up---someone will have what you need.
Never help understudies. (They secretly hate you and want your
job)
Do help your fellow actors by giving them notes whenever you
feel necessary.
And give the notes immediately before they go on---it will be
fresher that way.
Speak your lines as if the audience had difficulty
understanding the language.
Keep other performers on their toes by ridiculing their
performances, and never let them know what you're going to do
next.
Play the reality---always be aware of the audience and whether
you think they like the show, then gauge your performance
accordingly. Why knock yourself out for ungrateful snobs?
The only difference between an amateur and a pro is that the
pro does exactly the same thing for money.
Need a character? Get a costume.
Never change anything that is working, no matter how wrong or
phony it may seem.
When in doubt about an ad-lib, go "whoo"!
Go up on a line? Clap twice, look at the audience, and
giggle.
Even if a piece of "shtick" doesn't work, keep using it. The
important thing is for you to have fun and feel good about
yourself.
Submitted by Kelli Clement
Signs you have been on the road too
long:
1. You think sleeping in the console lid is comfortable
2. You never use the living room anymore cause the acoustics
suck
3. Your welcome mat is gaffed down
4. You made a tape of the tour bus engine to play at night when
you sleep
5. All your furniture has wheels
6. You have re-wired your whole house to use Hubbell Twist-lok
plugs
7. You are home for a week before you stop dialing 9 for an
outside line
8. Somebody gives you the thumbs up in the street, and you look
for the monitor desk to turn up the mix
9. You lose interest in groupies
10. Your clothing no longer resides in a dresser, but rather a
duffle bag
11. You have actually installed a 3 phase service in your house
so that lighting and audio are on separate legs to eliminate hum
and buzz
12. Your favorite incense smells like rosin core solder
13. When you are at home, you ask your parents what is the
per-diem per day
14. Everything you own has your name on it and is stenciled
"FOH" with krylon
15. Your home stairs are replaced with a ramp to facilitate
EASY load in
16. Your kids entire wardrobe consists of your old road
shirts.
Submitted by Matt Rockwell
You know you worked in
Community theater if...
* your living room sofa spends more time on stage than you do.
* you have your own secret family recipe for stage blood.
* you've ever appeared on stage wearing your own clothes.
* you can find a prop in the prop room that hasn't seen the light of day in ten
years, but you don't know where your own vacuum cleaner is.
* you've ever appeared in or worked on a production of Love, Sex and the IRS,
or any other show written by Van Zandt and Milmore.
* you have a Frequent Shopper Card at The Salvation Army.
* you start buying your work clothes at Goodwill so you can buy your costumes
at the mall.
* you've ever cleaned a tuxedo with a magic marker.
* you've ever said, "Don't worry - we'll just hot glue it."
* you've ever appeared on stage in an outfit held together with hot glue.
* you've ever seriously considered not doing in the murder victim because the
gunshot might wake up the audience.
* you name your son Samuel and tell him that his middle name is in honor the
French side of the family.
* you've ever appeared in a show where tech week is devoted to getting the running
time under four and a half hours.
* your lighting director has ever missed a cue because he was blinded by the
glare from the sea of bald heads in the audience.
* you've ever appeared on stage in an English drawing room murder mystery where
half the cast spoke with southern accents.
* you've ever called for a line -- in front of an audience.
* your children have ever begged you not to buy them any more Happy Meals.
* you think Neil Simon is a misunderstood genius.
* you've ever appeared in a show where the cast outnumbered the audience.
* you've ever gotten a part because you were the only guy who showed up for auditions.
* the audience recognizes you the minute you walk on stage because they saw you
taking out the trash before the show.
* you've ever menaced anyone with a gun held together with electrical tape.
* you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing a dinner gown
and high heels.
* you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing a dinner gown
and high heels - and you're a guy.
* you've ever played the father of someone your father's age.
* your kids know your lines better than you do.
* your kids SAY your lines better than you do.
* you get home from rehearsal and have to go back to the theater because you
forgot your kids.
* you've ever appeared in a show where an actor leaned out through a window without
opening it first.
* you've ever had to play a drunk scene opposite someone who was really drunk.
* you've ever heard a director say, "Try not to bump into the furniture," and
mean it.
* you've ever appeared on stage with people you're related to.
* you've ever heard the head of the set construction crew say, "Just paint
it black - no one will ever see it."
* your mother has ever greeted you after a performance with the words "Don't
give up your day job."
* you've ever appeared in a show featuring a flushing toilet sound effect.
* the set designer has ever told you not to walk on the left half of the stage
because the floor's still wet -- five minutes before curtain.
* you've ever been told your director has no eyebrows because he handled special
effects for the last show.
By Chris Polo ©2007 The Community Theater
Green Room, www.communitytheater.org.
Used with permission.
All material copyright 1997-2021 Toad Hall
Productions. Every effort has been made
to ensure the accuracy of the information contained in these
pages. Please inform us of any errors! We will fix them as soon as
they are brought to our attention.